Allowing and accepting are the most powerful, and unfortunately the only tools we have. Without allowing, there is no progress. It doesn’t help us to try to bypass the boulder blocking our path; there’s no road to freedom there—it will just roll behind us. Many might say that tolerance is something. Generally, there’s a belief that tolerance is the key to liberation.
But it isn’t! Tolerance means we only seemingly allow, avoiding conflicts while being convinced that we are right, but letting our partner say whatever they want because we don’t want to argue. Allowing is not about right and wrong. It’s about permitting others to exist as they are, allowing them to have their own traits and feelings, even if they don’t align with ours.
We don’t need to understand them, and they may even bother us, but we must know and be aware that these are someone else’s feelings, and we must respect them, not judge them. We need to understand that everything exists for a reason, though that reason may not always be visible or understandable to us.
Let’s not forget, we all have the right to make mistakes. Mistakes are lessons that enable our progress.
Accepting doesn’t mean resigning or becoming passive. It carries within it the opportunity for change. There’s a difference between “accept and endure” and “accept and release.”
Accepting and enduring means letting something in and staying emotionally attached to the event or person, feeling dissatisfaction and resistance. Accepting and releasing means granting the right to exist, letting it pass through us without attaching emotionally, and simply letting it go like waving goodbye to someone leaving.
It means detachment, liberation, and maintaining a neutral distance from which we can make the right choice, the right decision.
But what path leads us to this? What power allows us to do it? The answer is—Love. It is Love that allows and accepts, not charged with emotions. There’s a big difference between Love and love. We all know love, or at least think we do, but we rarely talk about Love, as it seems distant, unattainable, theoretical.
But it’s not! It is the essence of who we are—first and foremost, the acceptance of ourselves, and through that, the acceptance of everything. When we can move from the mind to the heart, we are on the right path. As long as we are in the mind, we are trapped by the ego. We believe we know all the answers, or think we do.
But in reality, these are just our beliefs, which hold us back and prevent us from walking another path. They keep us in the realm of the familiar, even if it’s often uncomfortable. But when we drop into the heart, we see ourselves as we truly are. There are no lies, no concealment, no distortions.
We accept ourselves as we are at that moment, with all our strengths and weaknesses. And that’s good, because only when we see ourselves completely exposed do we have the chance to change things and forgive. Only then do we have the opportunity to accept the happiness, contentment, and joy that are all around us, but which we cannot see because our mind, with all its beliefs and patterns, blocks us from it.
Only when we can love ourselves can we love others. This is not selfishness, for as the saying goes, “A selfish person is not someone who lives as they want, but someone who expects others to live as they want.”
From what has been said so far, I hope some things are becoming clearer. The fact is, we cannot love another until we love ourselves. We also cannot love another until we allow them to be who they are, to feel how they feel, to think how they think. We cannot love them until we accept them.
Every time we are dissatisfied with another person, when we are angry or hurt, we are, in reality, not allowing them to be, but demanding that they conform to our expectations, to feel, think, and act the way we want, not the way they do.
Of course, if this person threatens us, saddens us, or causes negative emotions, then we should leave or part ways. As I’ve already mentioned, it is a mistake to merely tolerate our partner, as allowing and tolerance are two completely different things.
When we tolerate, we feel negative emotions but remain passive, while creating a false sense of superiority, reasonableness, and even kindness. This often fuels our expectations that we should get something in return, like attention or gratitude. However, one day we will reach a breaking point, and all the anger and long-term dissatisfaction will spill out.
The ending will be painful, filled with blame, and ultimately, self-pity. We will become victims, and the path out of that unpleasant state will be long and painful. We will feel worthless, full of regret, blame, and disappointment.
So, what now? There are only two options. The first is to remain in the victim role, feeling sorry for ourselves, and expecting others to accept and pity us. In many cases, we even resort to illness, thinking, “Oh, how unfortunate I am.” But illnesses are merely cries of pain from our wounded soul, or perhaps from the ego.
No healing will help because, deep down, we have chosen the illness as a way to seek attention. We enjoy the fact that everyone is so concerned about us, and this becomes our identity. But is that really living? Is being a victim truly the purpose of our life?
There is, however, another option. It is to take responsibility for ourselves, our decisions, our life, and our happiness. This step must be taken consciously. It is not a one-time act. The only one-time act is the initial decision to make a change—to take control of our life, to turn off the automatic pilot and consciously steer ourselves along the path we choose.
This requires constant vigilance, particularly to break the habit of blaming others and circumstances for our own failures and dissatisfaction. We must never forget that in every moment and in every situation, we have the power to choose. I believe you will say that there are many situations we cannot control, where we don’t want or cannot take responsibility.
For example, if a partner leaves us, even though we believe we gave them everything and more, or if we lose our job, or we struggle to find well-paid work that would prevent financial problems, and so on. It’s true, we cannot change people or events, nor can we prevent various catastrophes.
However, we always have the power to choose how we will emerge from such situations. Will we seek excuses for our failures, or will we choose, through decision and action, to do everything within our power to get out of the unpleasant situation?
We must find a way to bring happiness into our lives and take control of our own destiny. This brings us self-respect, which is something incredibly valuable. We must let go of old habits and introduce new ones. This is not the easiest task, as it’s easier to do what is familiar.
It’s easier to stay in a bad but familiar situation than to step into the unknown. We may desire something new and different, but fear of the unknown often stops us, and introducing new habits requires willpower, focus, and effort. We are often too lazy to move.
As the saying goes, “Happiness begins where your comfort zone ends” (even if it’s uncomfortable, it’s still familiar).
Nothing will happen on its own; there is no magic wand. We must become the directors of our lives, not just the actors.